I feel like this might be true since I’m going to Lauren’s today <3.
And we will indeed have fun. Because we have each other.
And each others naked bodies…what? hahah.

Well, I finally understand myself. For quite a good while now, I have been wondering why on earth I center my life so much around love and caring about other people when it never seems to be reciprocal. And oddly enough, the fact that it’s hardly returned to me might be exactly why. Let’s revisit what seems to be the reasoning for absolutely everything in my life: sixth grade. Of course. After not having anybody to turn to in sixth grade, I think at some point throughout the years I realized, I wouldn’t wish what happened to me that year on anybody. Absolutely nobody deserves to have nobody to turn to when they need somebody, nobody should feel like they have nobody that loves them or cares about them, ever. And I guess after feeling that firsthand, I took it upon myself to make sure that nobody I know will ever have to feel that. It sounds like a lot to put on myself, but I can’t imagine anybody living such a loveless life that I have had to live before, and I really would never with that upon anybody, no matter how much even I might think they “deserve” it. My entire life centers around love, although I’ll live the most loveless life you’ll ever know. Yes, I’m overdramatic, I’m exaggerating, whatever, but more than half the time, I do honestly believe that, but none of that even matters. I gave up on my own happiness a long time ago, now I just want to make sure that everyone who surround me is happy. The people that I know are the absolute wonders of my world. Also, after releasing so much “hate” and anger on the person who hasn’t talked to me in two months, everytime I talk to them, I feel none of that, just an overwhelming desire to be their friend again. I absolutely hate losing friends, especially if it is for literally no reason. Honestly, I miss him to death, and don’t mean a single word I say when I say that I hate him, and he’s a douchebag, and the biggest asshole I’ve ever met. I mean absolutely none of that, that is just me trying to convince myself so I can get over myself losing a good friend, but then I go and talk to him again to maybe befriend him once more, and all I can even think about is how good of friends we used to be, and I know that everything I’m telling myself and everyone is complete nonsense. I don’t know. I’m just insane to be completely honest. Oh well.

Why have almost all my recent horoscopes been about money?
To be completely honest, I probably care about money less than almost anyone you’ll ever know.

I love everyone. People in general, really. I psychoanalyze everyone in my mind and I love seeing how people work, and relate to each other, and how they  just exist. But  I absolutely despise how I relate to people. I’m not mean to them, I actually make a conscience effort to try and be nice to just about everyone I meet. It’s just I’m too insecure and have too much of a trust issue in order to make any close friends. How does insecurity take a place in this? I didn’t have friends in sixth grade. At all. Something like that seems like it shouldn’t affect somebody after that year, but I am pretty sure that sixth grade fucked me over for the rest of my life. I hate calling, texting, iming, and sometimes even talking to people because I always feel like I am bothering them, and that they don’t actually want to talk to me and that they are just talking to me because they feel sorry for me. And honestly, the way that people react to me confirms it instead of reassuring me that it is the other way, and that makes me feel even worse than I already do about things. And the trust issue stems from the same root as well. A friend pointed out to me about a month ago that he think that I try and be friends with everyone I meet in order to compensate for my trust issue. That didn’t make sense to me at first but at some point in this previous weekend I finally understood it. I try and make friends with almost everyone I know so I can rotate through people, and never have to get close to any one person, or any one group of people. And also, this way I can call some people some of the time and have to worry just a little bit less about being a nuisance to them every single weekend, or something of the sort. To be completely honest, I’m probably one of the most insecure people you’ll ever meet, but I’m also somehow crazy conceited. I honestly don’t think that there is anything wrong with how I am, but the way I relate to people and how they relate back is honestly enough to make me contemplate awful things sometimes. And not to the other people, no no, because I always tend to relate everything back to myself and think everything is my fault. And although recently someone told me I shouldn’t do that because I’ll end up being suicidal, this same person is someone who has cut me off from their life almost completely about two months ago for possibly the most ignorant reason I’ve ever heard. Also proving that they never gave a fuck about me at all in the first place, because you can not just choose to cut somebody off from your life completely like that if you actually really cared for them at all, even just as a friend. But I maybe just don’t understand that because, un-fucking-fortunately for me, I seem to care about just about every single person I’ve ever met, and I really, really, really, more than anything in the world, wish that I couldn’t, but that’s really just how I am and no matter how hard I have tried to make myself care less, it is literally impossible, because I can’t change who I actually am. Suffering is optional, pain is inevitable.

“Death frees us from the feigning of our senses, the tyranny of our passions, the bondage of our desires, and the vagaries of thought.”

xo.

My mind goes at a million miles a minute.
Maybe I should actually do some thinking on this one.

I discovered this picture a couple of minutes ago and it really made me think, although it’s more of the words since it isn’t really a picture itself. I have always known myself to cry whenever need be, whenever I feel I need to cry, I don’t hold back. I have never, ever seen it as a sign of weakness because I know that I am not, but this shines a whole new perspective on it. It’s a sign that we are alive. When you first enter the world, the first thing they do to make sure the infant is alive, is make it cry. To any of those who feel crying is a sign of weakness, why? How would letting yourself express your emotion as your human body naturally intends for you to, show weakness in any way, shape, or form? Maybe it’s just me, but I see that as a sign of expression, although not a willing one, it exposes your emotions none the less.

Shit, I’ve completely lost my train of thought, but I really love mystery google.

Hello dear. What on earth has happened. I used to be able to confide every little detail of my life to you but somehow, just within the past month or so, we’ve drifted away so far I feel like I hardly even know you anymore, and I really miss you. I see you almost every day, but in school, and we never hang out anymore, and there’s some days where I really need someone to talk to, and talking to you doesn’t even seem like an option anymore.  Not that I can’t tell you things. Well, maybe that is it actually. You don’t talk to me about anything important anymore, and you hardly talk to me outside of school anymore unless you are trying to figure out what’s good for this weekend. I miss being able to tell you everything, so I don’t just have everything bottle up and snap on almost a daily basis, not like anyone can tell anyways. I have drifted from the three people I used to be able to tell almost anything to, but out of the three I feel you were probably one of the biggest influences on me. You’ve had to go through so much and yet every single day, you still seem to be so nice to everyone, and you still listen to people about their problems, and I wish I could be more like that, and I actually do really admire you for that, even if I haven’t told you that lately. I just want to know that I’ll still have you to count on anytime I need a friend, or just someone to hang out with or talk to. You’ve been more of an influence on my life then I think you’ll ever really  know, but I just hope, out of all the friends that I’ve lost over the years, that you don’t become one of them, because you’re one of the few people that’s even come close to being someone I can always count on, and almost always trust without judgement…although I really do think you should be a vegetarian since everyone thinks you are one anyways, miss “hippie dippie” hahah. I love you so, so much and I hope we won’t drift even more than it feels like we already have, because with life like this, I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it the rest of the way completely alone, and I definitely don’t want to.

Love always,
Tanya ☮

no deja vu as far as im aware, or at least so far.
however, i did get a free my little pony at mcdonalds today.
made me so sexcited and happy :D.

I do not have a best friend. Everyone has that ONE person they can tell literally everything to, and always trust, and knows will always, always be there for them. I haven’t had one since fifth grade. I still know her, but obviously we are not as close as we were then because since fifth grade, I’ve only seen her about once a year, although I do still love her dearly. Unfortunately for me, this means when I really need somebody, nobody ever seems to be around. Sympathy, pity, a few open shoulders, but nobody I can really trust to really listen to me, and help me, and actually understand what I’m going through. I always meet new people and become friends with people quickly, but as of yet, no best friend in six years. I guess it can be seen as a good thing too though, at least I know how to depend on myself. I feel bad for people when they are separated from their best friend, because that is when they are truly on their own. I have been on my own since sixth grade. Sixth grade was the worst actually, possibly a majority of what made me how I am today. After the first or second quarter of school, I had literally no friends. None. Because one of my “good friends” from the beginning of that year decided it would be fun to not be friends with me anymore. And have everyone else feel that way too. I was sent to a psychiatrist when I was ten for depression. I found out a few years ago that one day during lunch in sixth grade, someone poured milk on my head and I didn’t even notice. I can honestly tell you what it is like to actually have NOBODY there for you. No friends, no family I can really talk to, and some paid psychiatrist you know does not really care about your problems. And how can you expect them too? They don’t know you and they spend day in and day out listening to everybody bitch and moan about their lives, they shouldn’t care, these aren’t people they know, and may not even be people they like, but it is just what they do. Back to my point though, no best friend sucks. Especially in high school. I’ve always managed to stay out of most drama, surprisingly enough, but that doesn’t mean that nothing is going on in my head. I cry during class and nobody notices, and nobody knows whats wrong, and they won’t, because I won’t tell them because I just need that one person that I know is actually going to be there for me, but it seems like everyone is taken. I guess I’ll just have to continue to depend on myself for a while. Nobody to guide me, no one to help, no one to listen, no one to mold my thoughts. I actually know what it’s like to be on my own. I have my own heart and mind to guide me. I know who I am, I know who I want to be, and I know the person that I will never be, because I know how to stay true to myself more than anything. Everyone ends up the exact same way anyways, so the least any person can do is be proud of their way there and trust themselves. At least myself is a pretty dependable person, I’ve been doing okay with it so far.

“The master and his servant have exactly the same fate.
It’s a sunrise and a sunset.
From a cradle to a casket.
There’s no way to escape.
The sunrise and the sunset.
Hold your sadness like a puppet, keep putting on the play.
But everything you do is leading to the point
where you just won’t know what to do.
And at that moment you may laugh
but there is someone there who will be laughing louder than you.
So it’s true, the trick is complete.
become everything you said that you never would be.”

xo.

I reallyyy hope this is true.
I don’t really care about money, but I just need some soon so I don’t have to cancel my phone.

Life is weird, and I am grounded. I really hate being grounded, but I have noticed that I always come to realizations when I am grounded, and I always love these realizations. My dad actually yelled at me because I don’t care about money. Excuse me? You’re seriously getting angry at me because I’m not a materialistic, money-hungry bitch? I feel like I should take pity on my dad. All he cares about is money, to a point where I have to pay for my own cell phone bill, guitar lessons, when I go out, and even my school supplies sometimes. Because somehow making me pay for everything since the day I was born teaches money responsibility, when I don’t have a job or any real supply of money. That doesn’t teach fiscal responsibility at all, all it does is save my dad money, which he has enough to be providing just the basics to his kids, and waste every penny I might even have.  My dad is angry at me because I do not think the way he does, as a money-hungry, closed minded, jack ass. But personally, I am damn proud that I don’t give a shit about money except what I need for being with friends and my phone, and being an open minded individual who can actually think for themself. My parents have always wondered, even when I was little, how I even turned out the way that I am. They always used to joke around and ask if I was really part of the family, because I do not think or dress or act like anybody else in my family, but the answer seems pretty simple to me. I just think for myself. Even when I was really little, I never let my parents thoughts mold mine, because somehow even at a young age I already knew how to think for myself, and I am not quite sure how that even happened, but I’m really grateful that’s just how I am. On a complete other note, I’ve noticed every girl in the world wants to be the pretty little damsel in distress, for everyone to coo over, and take care of, and think “Aw, poor her”. I think mindset starts when they are little, and see princesses being rescued, and everyone loving them and caring what happens to them. Lets fast forward to the real world. People still want to be the pretty little damsel in distress, for everyone to adore, and feel bad for, and take care of. So they pretend like they have problems, and people pretend like they care. But then this means with so many people pretending like they actually have issues when they don’t, the real people that need help, never get the help. Because they actually have to live like that, and actually  need help, but don’t want others to feel bad for them, because pity never helped anyone, and they’re too proud to have other people fight their battle for them, if their pride is all they have left. And instead they destroy themselves even more, with drinking, and drugs, and cutting, and eating disorders. But nobody ever notices, because of all the vain, selfish bitches running around trying to gain unneeded pity from everyone they know. It is not a glamorous life. It is not fun when you’re actually living like that. It is not something you should aspire to live. It is a living hell, it is a cry for help, and it destroys them more and more with every single passing day.

Somebody listen please
It used to be so hard being me
Living in the shadow
Of someone else’s dream
Trying to find a hand to hold but every touch felt cold to me
Living in a nightmare
A never-ending sleep
But now that I am wide awake
My chains are finally free
Don’t feel sorry for me

xo.

uhm. what business…? i really dislike the newer horoscope.com. it kinda sucks.
…alot actually. lame.

I really am not too sure what is going on. My life, things, friends, school, life in general I guess. Not in a bad way, just everything has been ridiculously crazy and amazing and fun and I can’t even think of them as individual memories anymore, and I’m on a “temporary” break from work so I actually have time to eat, and sleep, and live, which is always nice. I’m actually becoming friends with people at my own school now, who would have thought?! Definitely not me, although I still love love love my friends at Herndon, they’re amazing, I’m just broadening my horizons is all, not quite sure why I haven’t done this before. And I somehow seem to keep meeting even more random people just everywhere that are in school, graduated, go to my school, don’t go to my school, just everyone really, and I really love it. I also saw my friend who I have not seen since early summer yesterday, that girl is crazy but I love her to death. But also, meeting so many people at my own school that I’ve noticed I actually really enjoy being with made me realize something, why can’t everyone just be friends? I know that sounds incredibly lame, but honestly just think about it for a second. There is no reason why people can’t get along. Think about someone you don’t like, or someone you know that doesn’t like someone else. Why? The answer usually roots to selfishness, or lack of self-restraint, or something else incredibly petty. Forgive, forget, and realize that you can actually get along, well, for that matter. Personally, I actually can not think of a single person that is on bad terms with me, because I love being around everyone, and there is just really no reason everyone can’t just get along. I would also like to think that I am not on bad terms with anyone either (except one person due to a mishap a couple weeks ago, oopsie), because I make an effort. I go out of my way to be nice to people I just meet because I just have a want to be friends with everyone, because a larger variety just makes life more interesting. I sort of feel like I am rambling now, and have possibly gotten a bit off topic. Although, I don’t even know what “on topic” would be come to think of it, but I think my point is clear, although my words are a little on the jumbled side. People fascinate me. Just every single aspect about them. I met someone about a month ago, and in this short time we’ve become pretty close although my relationship with this person is rather interesting, but when a friend put it in perspective for me, it’s a really, really healthy friendship, for lack of better words. I’m not quite sure how to describe it really, but if you knew more details it’d be easier to understand. I think I am just really happy everything is how it is right now.

xo.

i’m going to think on this one, because i’m not really sure what to make of it…

I’ve realized recently that I’m a hopeless romantic. And while the aspect of that is cute, living it is a little different. I almost never fall too hard, but almost always too fast. Although I am rather thankful that I only have of those to deal with, because both would essentially be a living in my opinion. I have habits of falling for people who show me the slightest bit of affection, not even giving myself enough time to figure out what I’m actually thinking and feeling, just leaving a blurred perception of the current reality. On a more positive note, I luckily am able to differentiate between body, mind, heart, and soul. By this, I mean I am well aware of the differences of entanglements of the body, and of those of the heart. And although being able to not be emotionally attached to certain situations can be a good thing, when physical relationships engulf you and leave no room for heart, that’s a huge issue, and a common one at that. I also realized recently that I’m better at analyzing people and their actions than I thought. I realized this when something I guessed in December due to the smallest action of a person, was confirmed a little over a week ago. But the moment I suspected it in December, I already knew I was right, without having to ask anyone or any other incidents, just gut reaction, and I knew. I’m someone who when I see people that just seem so in love that nothing else even matter, just am really happy for them, and my heart melts at the thought. I’m a hopeless romantic and cheesy as can be, but someday I think that will be okay with me.